Expanding Growth

I once wrote a screenplay about another dimension, but getting to this dimension required some skill and if you did not make it you would get stuck in the “in between”. Later a show and a movie came out with a similar idea that I found very intriguing. I now find it painfully relatable at this juncture in my life because I feel as though I am stuck in my own "in between". I am in between my past and future. In my screenplay, the “in between” (as well as the show’s, actually), was utter darkness. Kind of like being suck in limbo. It was impossible to see anything unless you used your imagination to build a way to get out. So that’s what I have decided to do. I am going to expand myself and use my imagination—my inner me, the core of who I am to move forward. And escaping isn’t what the end goal needs to be. Because the in between can be a space of growth as well. This moment can last for as long as it needs to. There’s no rushing a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. Ok, cliched, I know. Maybe I won't be as beautiful as a butterfly, but I won't be the same old caterpillar, that's for sure. It can help shape me into the person I will become, but until then I want to appreciate the challenge of being here.

 I want to live in the present and accept anything that comes to me at this time. Perhaps more heartbreak is on the horizon before I am really ready to take that other step. Maybe it’s creativity when I have felt empty of it for so long. Perhaps its compassion, learning from others, accepting this fragile moment and giving way for something more. Being humble, grateful, accepting of what this particular “in between” has to offer. Perhaps it’s building strength I didn’t know I had. Or building it back up after I had forgotten it was there. No matter how it’s viewed, it is ever-expanding growth. Maybe, in a way, part of me will be here forever. Always learning from what was, looking to what is coming but most importantly trying to learn and enjoy the right now. 

We have a hard time staying in the present moment. I haven't figured out if this is a societal thing or just a human thing. In Japan everyone was always rushing around at work. They were overworked and always busy. But there were those beautiful moments they would go to the park and have a picnic and just be for a minute. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Just be for a minute. Keep working on myself of course, doing the things that I enjoy or that make me feel good. Even the things that challenge me. Stick to my path, but enjoy it while I'm there. This sounds all too cliched (once again), but it's worth enjoying the journey in the meantime. 

I told a friend today I feel as if I am merging two versions of myself in this "in between". I am reflecting on who I've been and working to see what I will become. It is scary because there is always scary in the unknown, but it is also invigorating. It's not comfortable, which is ok. That proves there is something different taking place. We are constantly morphing into who we work to be. I don't want to be the same person for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the same person I was six months ago. I want to see things from another perspective, including myself. If we don't work to become someone better by changing habits that weren't working or goals being met, then we will become stagnant, stuck and flat. I don't want to be a flat Stanley. I don't want to be doing the same things at 32 that I was doing at 22. I don't want to be stuck in a phase of my life that I am afraid to step out of. I can feel something click within me when I try new things, or do something that fills my soul. I can feel this new awakening within me when I am not doing the same thing as I was last year at this time. At first it was loss, sadness and a deep sense of missing. Now it is change, growth and renewal. 

I believe the "in between" is what you make of it. Time can be spent by doing the same thing you've always done, or you can branch out, try something different and focus on who you want to be. I don't want to regret not trying to be the best version of myself. I've feared that for too long. Something can be created out of the darkness and then one day I will find myself on the other side. And perhaps it will just be a lot of in and out, which would be just fine. Without those moments of growth, how will I ever be expected to write my award winning novel?

Just like my writer pal (well, in my head) Jeff Goins. I actually just found this after I wrote this. How fitting! https://goinswriter.com/inbetween/

Looks like I got a book to read.