Lonely or Alone?

Lately I have been very interested and somewhat perplexed about being alone. There are many reasons, some obvious, others perhaps not so obvious that I have been pondering this topic. And quite frankly I am becoming fascinated by it.

It began with me trying to "re-discovering myself" after my long term relationship ended. This is the obvious reason I would begin to ponder and question loneliness versus being alone. Right away I felt utterly alone. I was not only alone, but afraid. I felt like I could just drift away in the world and I wouldn't be able to stop it. No one would notice, I was of no matter. Of course I know that sounds absurd, but it was how I felt for at least a month. And how I think I still feel sometimes. I'm sure everyone feels this way at times--like they're the only ones who feel this sad, or heartbroken or this utterly alone. Which of course is ironic since there are all these people who as a collective whole feel alone, thus being together in this feeling.

I digress. I began to realize that I probably wasn't the only one who's ever felt this way. That is somewhat of a comfort, but when you are really down it doesn't really make you feel better, really. It might make you feel less crazy in some ways, but not better necessarily. It's a hard thing, being alone and not really something we as social creatures want to do. There are exceptions to this of course and there are more people who crave alone time more than others, but as a whole we like to be around people. I know for a fact that I LOVE to be around people. Yet, as I have started to look at this whole thing from another perspective I am realizing that yes, I am a social extrovert who enjoys the company of others, but I also think I need to force myself to be alone because if I really think about it, it really doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it seems nice. To be alone to do the things that make me feel good or whole can make me a better person for everyone else. I would be able give more to other people later.

When thinking about being alone I thought about things I enjoy that don't have to involve another person. I love to write and read. I enjoy biking, walking and sometimes running outside. I like nature, I enjoy taking pictures of nature. I am not a cook, but I want to learn more about it. I like listening to podcasts, watching Ted Talks, finding new music, taking baths and meditating. I am pretty good at swimming, and recently I have started to get into more Netflix shows. So look--these are all things that can be done alone! When viewed from that perspective being alone sounds rather nice. I would love to spend a day working on that screenplay I never finished or reading a book I've always meant to read. It would be fun to go on a walk while listening to a podcast or cook while I listening to some good beats. So what is stopping me?

I know what. That stupid F word.
Fear.

But what am I afraid of? What if I just don't make any plans with anyone? What if I don't need time to be filled with people all the time, but the things I love instead? What happens when I face this fear of being alone and take a whole day to do it?

So I did. This Saturday and last. I'll tell you what--it was not comfortable and not really what I wanted to do at all. I thought of calling people, going to my friend's who invited me, I thought of my ex-boyfriend and what we would be doing together. But then I just did what I was afraid of and although it took a while to settle in, in the end I felt good. It felt like I could do this more often and be happy while doing it.

I took it a step further and decided that I was going to do something I wanted to do and it didn't really matter if someone else was with me. So I went to the educator's night at the Denver Art Museum by myself. I wanted to see the show and the museum, so I did. It was awesome. It opens up a whole new door to me. I should not do what I want to do because someone else can't accompany me. There are times where I would rather not go to something than to be alone, but things like museums, movies, parks, fairs, shows, I could do these all alone. That doesn't seem scary or lonely at all to me. That seems almost exciting!

So that's where I'm at. Somewhere between lonely and alone. My biggest takeaway is that I need to be ok alone. No, not just ok, but good alone. I have to spend the most time with just me so why not enjoy it? I feel I've only brushed the surface of this concept and I don't think I did a very excellent job of explaining where I am, but hopefully I will continue with my "research" and find something interesting. Something I can look back on and be glad I learned it now rather than later. Rather than never.

This article has had me thinking as well. For an interesting read click the link below. This article got me thinking!

 How to Be Alone