Best Version

What does it mean to become the best version of yourself? As if there are hundreds of different you's that just shed personalities like a snake sheds its skin? Does it mean that you are always trying to accomplish this best self or was there once a best self that has been since worn and discarded with all the other versions never to be seen again? Does it mean to look outside of yourself? Find a bigger purpose and then you will in turn discover yourself? 

There are plenty of websites and articles writing about becoming the best of ourselves. "These 6 Things Will Help You Become the Best Version of Yourself" or "Becoming the best Versions of Ourselves--3 Steps", but striving for the best can be a slippery slope (articles shown below).

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/starting-today-stop-these-6-things-become-the-best-version-yourself.html

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/becoming-the-best-versions-of-ourselves-3-steps/

Not that I don't disagree with these articles, in fact I like reading them, feeling empowered, getting motivated, being the change I wish to see in the world, and then, just like everyone else, falling back into the same habits and routines I've always done. My point here is that in order to be the best versions of ourselves, we first have to know ourselves, accept who we are, work hard at changing what we don't love about ourselves and only then can we start trying to be a better person. Maybe not different, we are all hard wired to be who we are, but better perhaps. This takes A LOT of fucking work. I've got the tiniest chip on the biggest ice block started and I've been hacking at it for almost a year. Well, much longer, but consciously, a year. It is hard to become a better, different person. Maybe taking it in chunks--first better, then different. If that's what we hope for. Taking the necessary physical steps is extremely important, but if you don't take the necessary emotional, spiritual steps, you fall back to where you were before you took any physical steps. 

My experiences have provided for some examples this year of trying to be "the best version of myself", or at least I thought they did. Moving on from a stagnant relationship that was not going anywhere, moving on from a stagnant job that wasn't going anywhere, finding a better job, trying something new and different for the summer, meeting lots of new people--in Italy and Denver. Experiencing life with new people. All of these helped push me to a better version of myself. I do believe that. But the commonality is that they are all just about me. I will always argue that alone time or time doing the things you want to do is the most important because then it gives a fuller version of yourself, but is being a better version of yourself bigger than, well, yourself? 

Perhaps I will feel a fuller sense of meaning when school starts again. I have never not coached or taught on some level for this long of a time, so that could be what’s driving this. I feel it is important to constantly be growing, changing, striving for better. Being comfortable is nice, but it’s no way to truly live. Maybe its the people around us that help us be the best versions of ourselves, maybe its the happiness we find within ourselves and can share with others. Maybe its doing something alone or with someone you truly love. Maybe its being in a new place with new people. Maybe its different for everyone, or in some way all of these for all of us. I think I can take a little of each of these, sprinkle them with some hard work, some real love for what I am doing, who I am hoping to teach or to shape and that can be my recipe for making myself as good of a version as possible. At least for now. As my old swim coach would say "no loafing!" Thanks, Bill, this time I won't :)

Expanding Growth

I once wrote a screenplay about another dimension, but getting to this dimension required some skill and if you did not make it you would get stuck in the “in between”. Later a show and a movie came out with a similar idea that I found very intriguing. I now find it painfully relatable at this juncture in my life because I feel as though I am stuck in my own "in between". I am in between my past and future. In my screenplay, the “in between” (as well as the show’s, actually), was utter darkness. Kind of like being suck in limbo. It was impossible to see anything unless you used your imagination to build a way to get out. So that’s what I have decided to do. I am going to expand myself and use my imagination—my inner me, the core of who I am to move forward. And escaping isn’t what the end goal needs to be. Because the in between can be a space of growth as well. This moment can last for as long as it needs to. There’s no rushing a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. Ok, cliched, I know. Maybe I won't be as beautiful as a butterfly, but I won't be the same old caterpillar, that's for sure. It can help shape me into the person I will become, but until then I want to appreciate the challenge of being here.

 I want to live in the present and accept anything that comes to me at this time. Perhaps more heartbreak is on the horizon before I am really ready to take that other step. Maybe it’s creativity when I have felt empty of it for so long. Perhaps its compassion, learning from others, accepting this fragile moment and giving way for something more. Being humble, grateful, accepting of what this particular “in between” has to offer. Perhaps it’s building strength I didn’t know I had. Or building it back up after I had forgotten it was there. No matter how it’s viewed, it is ever-expanding growth. Maybe, in a way, part of me will be here forever. Always learning from what was, looking to what is coming but most importantly trying to learn and enjoy the right now. 

We have a hard time staying in the present moment. I haven't figured out if this is a societal thing or just a human thing. In Japan everyone was always rushing around at work. They were overworked and always busy. But there were those beautiful moments they would go to the park and have a picnic and just be for a minute. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Just be for a minute. Keep working on myself of course, doing the things that I enjoy or that make me feel good. Even the things that challenge me. Stick to my path, but enjoy it while I'm there. This sounds all too cliched (once again), but it's worth enjoying the journey in the meantime. 

I told a friend today I feel as if I am merging two versions of myself in this "in between". I am reflecting on who I've been and working to see what I will become. It is scary because there is always scary in the unknown, but it is also invigorating. It's not comfortable, which is ok. That proves there is something different taking place. We are constantly morphing into who we work to be. I don't want to be the same person for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the same person I was six months ago. I want to see things from another perspective, including myself. If we don't work to become someone better by changing habits that weren't working or goals being met, then we will become stagnant, stuck and flat. I don't want to be a flat Stanley. I don't want to be doing the same things at 32 that I was doing at 22. I don't want to be stuck in a phase of my life that I am afraid to step out of. I can feel something click within me when I try new things, or do something that fills my soul. I can feel this new awakening within me when I am not doing the same thing as I was last year at this time. At first it was loss, sadness and a deep sense of missing. Now it is change, growth and renewal. 

I believe the "in between" is what you make of it. Time can be spent by doing the same thing you've always done, or you can branch out, try something different and focus on who you want to be. I don't want to regret not trying to be the best version of myself. I've feared that for too long. Something can be created out of the darkness and then one day I will find myself on the other side. And perhaps it will just be a lot of in and out, which would be just fine. Without those moments of growth, how will I ever be expected to write my award winning novel?

Just like my writer pal (well, in my head) Jeff Goins. I actually just found this after I wrote this. How fitting! https://goinswriter.com/inbetween/

Looks like I got a book to read. 

Lonely or Alone?

Lately I have been very interested and somewhat perplexed about being alone. There are many reasons, some obvious, others perhaps not so obvious that I have been pondering this topic. And quite frankly I am becoming fascinated by it.

It began with me trying to "re-discovering myself" after my long term relationship ended. This is the obvious reason I would begin to ponder and question loneliness versus being alone. Right away I felt utterly alone. I was not only alone, but afraid. I felt like I could just drift away in the world and I wouldn't be able to stop it. No one would notice, I was of no matter. Of course I know that sounds absurd, but it was how I felt for at least a month. And how I think I still feel sometimes. I'm sure everyone feels this way at times--like they're the only ones who feel this sad, or heartbroken or this utterly alone. Which of course is ironic since there are all these people who as a collective whole feel alone, thus being together in this feeling.

I digress. I began to realize that I probably wasn't the only one who's ever felt this way. That is somewhat of a comfort, but when you are really down it doesn't really make you feel better, really. It might make you feel less crazy in some ways, but not better necessarily. It's a hard thing, being alone and not really something we as social creatures want to do. There are exceptions to this of course and there are more people who crave alone time more than others, but as a whole we like to be around people. I know for a fact that I LOVE to be around people. Yet, as I have started to look at this whole thing from another perspective I am realizing that yes, I am a social extrovert who enjoys the company of others, but I also think I need to force myself to be alone because if I really think about it, it really doesn't seem so bad. In fact, it seems nice. To be alone to do the things that make me feel good or whole can make me a better person for everyone else. I would be able give more to other people later.

When thinking about being alone I thought about things I enjoy that don't have to involve another person. I love to write and read. I enjoy biking, walking and sometimes running outside. I like nature, I enjoy taking pictures of nature. I am not a cook, but I want to learn more about it. I like listening to podcasts, watching Ted Talks, finding new music, taking baths and meditating. I am pretty good at swimming, and recently I have started to get into more Netflix shows. So look--these are all things that can be done alone! When viewed from that perspective being alone sounds rather nice. I would love to spend a day working on that screenplay I never finished or reading a book I've always meant to read. It would be fun to go on a walk while listening to a podcast or cook while I listening to some good beats. So what is stopping me?

I know what. That stupid F word.
Fear.

But what am I afraid of? What if I just don't make any plans with anyone? What if I don't need time to be filled with people all the time, but the things I love instead? What happens when I face this fear of being alone and take a whole day to do it?

So I did. This Saturday and last. I'll tell you what--it was not comfortable and not really what I wanted to do at all. I thought of calling people, going to my friend's who invited me, I thought of my ex-boyfriend and what we would be doing together. But then I just did what I was afraid of and although it took a while to settle in, in the end I felt good. It felt like I could do this more often and be happy while doing it.

I took it a step further and decided that I was going to do something I wanted to do and it didn't really matter if someone else was with me. So I went to the educator's night at the Denver Art Museum by myself. I wanted to see the show and the museum, so I did. It was awesome. It opens up a whole new door to me. I should not do what I want to do because someone else can't accompany me. There are times where I would rather not go to something than to be alone, but things like museums, movies, parks, fairs, shows, I could do these all alone. That doesn't seem scary or lonely at all to me. That seems almost exciting!

So that's where I'm at. Somewhere between lonely and alone. My biggest takeaway is that I need to be ok alone. No, not just ok, but good alone. I have to spend the most time with just me so why not enjoy it? I feel I've only brushed the surface of this concept and I don't think I did a very excellent job of explaining where I am, but hopefully I will continue with my "research" and find something interesting. Something I can look back on and be glad I learned it now rather than later. Rather than never.

This article has had me thinking as well. For an interesting read click the link below. This article got me thinking!

 How to Be Alone

Our Rightful Place

Thinking of my grandma lots lately, although she has never really left my mind. I feel as if she is here--sometimes more than others--perhaps she has other family members to attend to at times. I'll be ok with that :) One of the things that echos in my head from her is that we are all in our rightful place. She was more religious than I, but I still believe this to be true more than most things I believe to be true.

It could be for me ring more true than for others who are less fortunate than I, but in this incident I believe it to be true tonight because it has to be. If it's not than all hope is lost, which as humans, is essential, if not the most essential part to life. So if we are all in our rightful place and we all have a mission, I want to believe I am one step closer to understanding the mission. Not necessarily to completing it, just making sense of it all. So off I go with my head full of something that has to be true and  my belly full of cheese. How could anything go wrong at this point?

Just Opportunities

"No problems, just opportunities"

This phrase has be resonating with me the past few weeks after accompanying a friend to her church. What strikes me (and has actually struck me before..not unlike a lightening victim) is the fact that we create our own happiness. And in that same breath our own opportunities. We have all heard the glass half full or glass half empty analogy. I'm sure it's been written about and talked about to death. But it is not until one actually realizes that they really do have the power to be happy, that it makes sense.

No that it's easy to do. Things bring us down on a daily basis--whether it be our relationships, people we don't even know, societal pressures, money, time or just pressures we put on ourselves. There is an endless list of things that can potentially cause you to feel sad. Which is ok. We are human; we can feel sad. But feeling sad and being sad are two different things. Same with happiness. By realizing that we have control over this is coming to the ah-ha moment that these things are not really happening to us necessarily. And so with this realization a whole new realm of possibilities is revealed. With these possibilities can come opportunities that you didn't even intend for in the first place.

The pastor at this church told us that pessimism takes the same energy as optimism which I thought, is that really true? This then sparked an entire new torrent of thoughts about how certain people are wired. I thought about how my whole life I have been lucky with experiences, events and even my own thoughts which were pretty much all light-hearted, happy and optimistic thoughts. But, until then I had never gone through a true hardship. Hell, I've barely gone through anything hard still, by most people's standards. For me though, right now is not easy. So what I have learned is that when we are feeling sad that yes, it is hard to be optimistic. But does it really take the same energy as pessimism? Doesn't it seem easy to be optimistic? The old me would have responded, yes, of course. This wiser (ha!) me is responding that it is not easy to be optimistic, but it is equally draining to feel pessimistic all the time. So I guess it all makes sense, the energy that is used is the same amount, but perhaps it just doesn't feel the same when we're in it.

When we are happier we are perhaps more apt to become comfortable, or to settle. Yet, I don't think this is true for everyone or even most people. Maybe it's just me. But as I continue to think about "no problems, just opportunities", I also think that if we create our own happiness and we have enough of it, does it then continue to creating opportunities? Or does opportunity rise from problems or hardship? Do people rise up out of the dust more often than they just stumble upon something when they are going along their merry way?

Obviously, I don't really know the answer. Or the answer just depends on different people. But as I trudge my way though a difficult period of my life I need to remember that I can create my own happiness as well as my own opportunities. I can use the same energy that is draining away from me on my pessimistic days and convert it into energy to use for my optimism, and in turn other people's optimism. As hard as it is to remember, it is true that we can put out these energies to others, and they are contagious. I surround myself with kids all day and I don't want to be emitting negative vibes to them or anyone else.

So when I begin to think about all my problems, I need to remember the echo of this man's voice as he said "no problems, just opportunities". How can I create an opportunity out of this problem? What good energies can be brought about as I convert this energy? And most importantly, what can I learn from this and how can I eventually create this into the happiness I will find within?

“Maktub" (It is written.)

If you have never had the pleasure of reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho I highly suggest you do. Now, it has been many years since I've read it but lately it has been on my mind. And so with this title I begin my new blog.

"It is written" in this novel relates to our destiny being written out for us. But to me this has various other meanings, most prominently, I find that yes, my destiny may be written but I also have a say in that. I have recently gone through a major life shift and because of that (as one may tend to do), I have begun to re-think my meaning, my purpose and my happiness.

As I begin my transformation you can imagine me on a somewhat comical journey to re-discovering myself at the age of thirty. I picture a montage of me trying meditation, yoga, going to the gym, beginning this blog, reading more books, moving into a new place, building furniture, connecting with friends, saving inspirational quotes, grading, lesson planning, taking long walks and then perhaps losing my way after all that and I end up crumbling and crying in the corner. Then I have to start over.

 Or do I?

The journey begins again yet this round is a new layer of me. I tread a bit more carefully, knowing that one day I could wake up and not feel anything like I do today. Round one me thought that the first day of feeling good would last (they always had before this) and was surprised, perhaps taken aback when it didn't.

 Round two me is more humble, but a little bit more confident and a little bit more ready for actually taking a step. Not just saying the step has been taken when really I've just been standing still. And I've been standing still for way too long. So all inspirational quotes aside I am trying to remember me. Remember what really does work for just me alone. Not what I should be feeling or what I am feeling after a Facebook bender, but what I feel at the core of who I am. This has caused me to relive not just memories from the past five years, but many from way before that where I used to spend hours with just me. And let me tell you, as social as I have always been, I think spending time by myself might have been the most entertaining of all.

 So where does one start to get back to that me. Where I created my own happiness? When did I start relying on others to make me happy? Why do I have such bad FOMO? It's a thing for sure, I know plenty of people who admit to this disorder, but why is it a thing? Why can't I just be happy doing what I feel like doing at the moment I feel like doing it? I've always believed that keeping in touch with people, not burning bridges and being connected was one of my better qualities. It was something I've been able to do better than many others, but I am now starting to see that maybe there's such a thing as being too good at something. Surrounding myself with constant contact, constant noise, constant thoughts of this friend and this cousin and this plan and this and this and this.

Before I know it I am no longer able to sit with just me and think of just me. And as connected I am to these people, I am selfishly connected in a way because I am connecting to fuel me. And while we all do that from time to time, I think I need to step back and think. And be. That is when I will be able to begin to discover what makes me happy completely independent from everyone else. So I guess meditating was a good idea after all.