Best Version

What does it mean to become the best version of yourself? As if there are hundreds of different you's that just shed personalities like a snake sheds its skin? Does it mean that you are always trying to accomplish this best self or was there once a best self that has been since worn and discarded with all the other versions never to be seen again? Does it mean to look outside of yourself? Find a bigger purpose and then you will in turn discover yourself? 

There are plenty of websites and articles writing about becoming the best of ourselves. "These 6 Things Will Help You Become the Best Version of Yourself" or "Becoming the best Versions of Ourselves--3 Steps", but striving for the best can be a slippery slope (articles shown below).

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/starting-today-stop-these-6-things-become-the-best-version-yourself.html

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/becoming-the-best-versions-of-ourselves-3-steps/

Not that I don't disagree with these articles, in fact I like reading them, feeling empowered, getting motivated, being the change I wish to see in the world, and then, just like everyone else, falling back into the same habits and routines I've always done. My point here is that in order to be the best versions of ourselves, we first have to know ourselves, accept who we are, work hard at changing what we don't love about ourselves and only then can we start trying to be a better person. Maybe not different, we are all hard wired to be who we are, but better perhaps. This takes A LOT of fucking work. I've got the tiniest chip on the biggest ice block started and I've been hacking at it for almost a year. Well, much longer, but consciously, a year. It is hard to become a better, different person. Maybe taking it in chunks--first better, then different. If that's what we hope for. Taking the necessary physical steps is extremely important, but if you don't take the necessary emotional, spiritual steps, you fall back to where you were before you took any physical steps. 

My experiences have provided for some examples this year of trying to be "the best version of myself", or at least I thought they did. Moving on from a stagnant relationship that was not going anywhere, moving on from a stagnant job that wasn't going anywhere, finding a better job, trying something new and different for the summer, meeting lots of new people--in Italy and Denver. Experiencing life with new people. All of these helped push me to a better version of myself. I do believe that. But the commonality is that they are all just about me. I will always argue that alone time or time doing the things you want to do is the most important because then it gives a fuller version of yourself, but is being a better version of yourself bigger than, well, yourself? 

Perhaps I will feel a fuller sense of meaning when school starts again. I have never not coached or taught on some level for this long of a time, so that could be what’s driving this. I feel it is important to constantly be growing, changing, striving for better. Being comfortable is nice, but it’s no way to truly live. Maybe its the people around us that help us be the best versions of ourselves, maybe its the happiness we find within ourselves and can share with others. Maybe its doing something alone or with someone you truly love. Maybe its being in a new place with new people. Maybe its different for everyone, or in some way all of these for all of us. I think I can take a little of each of these, sprinkle them with some hard work, some real love for what I am doing, who I am hoping to teach or to shape and that can be my recipe for making myself as good of a version as possible. At least for now. As my old swim coach would say "no loafing!" Thanks, Bill, this time I won't :)

Expanding Growth

I once wrote a screenplay about another dimension, but getting to this dimension required some skill and if you did not make it you would get stuck in the “in between”. Later a show and a movie came out with a similar idea that I found very intriguing. I now find it painfully relatable at this juncture in my life because I feel as though I am stuck in my own "in between". I am in between my past and future. In my screenplay, the “in between” (as well as the show’s, actually), was utter darkness. Kind of like being suck in limbo. It was impossible to see anything unless you used your imagination to build a way to get out. So that’s what I have decided to do. I am going to expand myself and use my imagination—my inner me, the core of who I am to move forward. And escaping isn’t what the end goal needs to be. Because the in between can be a space of growth as well. This moment can last for as long as it needs to. There’s no rushing a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. Ok, cliched, I know. Maybe I won't be as beautiful as a butterfly, but I won't be the same old caterpillar, that's for sure. It can help shape me into the person I will become, but until then I want to appreciate the challenge of being here.

 I want to live in the present and accept anything that comes to me at this time. Perhaps more heartbreak is on the horizon before I am really ready to take that other step. Maybe it’s creativity when I have felt empty of it for so long. Perhaps its compassion, learning from others, accepting this fragile moment and giving way for something more. Being humble, grateful, accepting of what this particular “in between” has to offer. Perhaps it’s building strength I didn’t know I had. Or building it back up after I had forgotten it was there. No matter how it’s viewed, it is ever-expanding growth. Maybe, in a way, part of me will be here forever. Always learning from what was, looking to what is coming but most importantly trying to learn and enjoy the right now. 

We have a hard time staying in the present moment. I haven't figured out if this is a societal thing or just a human thing. In Japan everyone was always rushing around at work. They were overworked and always busy. But there were those beautiful moments they would go to the park and have a picnic and just be for a minute. So that's what I'm going to try and do. Just be for a minute. Keep working on myself of course, doing the things that I enjoy or that make me feel good. Even the things that challenge me. Stick to my path, but enjoy it while I'm there. This sounds all too cliched (once again), but it's worth enjoying the journey in the meantime. 

I told a friend today I feel as if I am merging two versions of myself in this "in between". I am reflecting on who I've been and working to see what I will become. It is scary because there is always scary in the unknown, but it is also invigorating. It's not comfortable, which is ok. That proves there is something different taking place. We are constantly morphing into who we work to be. I don't want to be the same person for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the same person I was six months ago. I want to see things from another perspective, including myself. If we don't work to become someone better by changing habits that weren't working or goals being met, then we will become stagnant, stuck and flat. I don't want to be a flat Stanley. I don't want to be doing the same things at 32 that I was doing at 22. I don't want to be stuck in a phase of my life that I am afraid to step out of. I can feel something click within me when I try new things, or do something that fills my soul. I can feel this new awakening within me when I am not doing the same thing as I was last year at this time. At first it was loss, sadness and a deep sense of missing. Now it is change, growth and renewal. 

I believe the "in between" is what you make of it. Time can be spent by doing the same thing you've always done, or you can branch out, try something different and focus on who you want to be. I don't want to regret not trying to be the best version of myself. I've feared that for too long. Something can be created out of the darkness and then one day I will find myself on the other side. And perhaps it will just be a lot of in and out, which would be just fine. Without those moments of growth, how will I ever be expected to write my award winning novel?

Just like my writer pal (well, in my head) Jeff Goins. I actually just found this after I wrote this. How fitting! https://goinswriter.com/inbetween/

Looks like I got a book to read.