If you have never had the pleasure of reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho I highly suggest you do. Now, it has been many years since I've read it but lately it has been on my mind. And so with this title I begin my new blog.
"It is written" in this novel relates to our destiny being written out for us. But to me this has various other meanings, most prominently, I find that yes, my destiny may be written but I also have a say in that. I have recently gone through a major life shift and because of that (as one may tend to do), I have begun to re-think my meaning, my purpose and my happiness.
As I begin my transformation you can imagine me on a somewhat comical journey to re-discovering myself at the age of thirty. I picture a montage of me trying meditation, yoga, going to the gym, beginning this blog, reading more books, moving into a new place, building furniture, connecting with friends, saving inspirational quotes, grading, lesson planning, taking long walks and then perhaps losing my way after all that and I end up crumbling and crying in the corner. Then I have to start over.
Or do I?
The journey begins again yet this round is a new layer of me. I tread a bit more carefully, knowing that one day I could wake up and not feel anything like I do today. Round one me thought that the first day of feeling good would last (they always had before this) and was surprised, perhaps taken aback when it didn't.
Round two me is more humble, but a little bit more confident and a little bit more ready for actually taking a step. Not just saying the step has been taken when really I've just been standing still. And I've been standing still for way too long. So all inspirational quotes aside I am trying to remember me. Remember what really does work for just me alone. Not what I should be feeling or what I am feeling after a Facebook bender, but what I feel at the core of who I am. This has caused me to relive not just memories from the past five years, but many from way before that where I used to spend hours with just me. And let me tell you, as social as I have always been, I think spending time by myself might have been the most entertaining of all.
So where does one start to get back to that me. Where I created my own happiness? When did I start relying on others to make me happy? Why do I have such bad FOMO? It's a thing for sure, I know plenty of people who admit to this disorder, but why is it a thing? Why can't I just be happy doing what I feel like doing at the moment I feel like doing it? I've always believed that keeping in touch with people, not burning bridges and being connected was one of my better qualities. It was something I've been able to do better than many others, but I am now starting to see that maybe there's such a thing as being too good at something. Surrounding myself with constant contact, constant noise, constant thoughts of this friend and this cousin and this plan and this and this and this.
Before I know it I am no longer able to sit with just me and think of just me. And as connected I am to these people, I am selfishly connected in a way because I am connecting to fuel me. And while we all do that from time to time, I think I need to step back and think. And be. That is when I will be able to begin to discover what makes me happy completely independent from everyone else. So I guess meditating was a good idea after all.
